Tuesday, May 16, 2006

A World of Fragile things

...my heart...my trust...my own inner sense of calm...

It has been raining for 3 days straight here. The flowers that I planted last Friday are crushed beneath the weight of the raindrops. I can relate. I'm not sad but I keep getting flattened by waves of water. I'm fine & then I'm bawling my eyes out, bolting out of view, trying to purge the stuff once & for all without little eyes watching. It feels like I'm just going thru necessary emotional hoops to get to the otherside once & for all.

A morning like this is probably for the best. THIS morning is also for the best because hopefully tomorrow I can deal with realities & legalities with little inner upheaval. As of tomorrow the last 9 years & 11 months (to the day) have not existed. I begin wiping it from the books just as he wiped us from his heart.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Falling Forever

Choking on my own breath today.

Choking on the conversation that I need to have, today, because I feel like I'll just suffocate completely if I don't get the words out & somehow make him hear me.

Choking on my own stupidity for thinking that I would never be sitting at the bottom of the deep end trying to breath without drowning.

Choking on the reality that just loving me became too much to ask, to heavy a burden to bear.

Choking on passing flashes of good that seem unimaginable now. Things that I surely conjured up for my own comfort.

Choking on the actual comment spoken to me over the phone 2 days ago, "Well I usually go out, with someone else & you watch your kids." My kids. Yes, they are, aren't they. Let's be very clear on that point.

Choking on my really pathetic need to still, in spite of him, handle this in the best way that I can. To follow thru on the bits of help I promised him, not because I care but because I'm good to my word. Even now.

Choking on the reality that again, I was left holding the bag, only to be abandoned with it. Choking back the fact that I did not believe it would really end up this way.

Choking back the tears because I need to just collapse and I cannot until we speak this evening. Choking back the fact that I have always had to be the stronger one no matter the situation.
I can carry myself but every now & then it'd be nice to have a 5 minute respite & to have that be okay.

White knuckle it. Hang on. You can come up for air soon.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

The Birthday

I've been deluged with email this morning asking how last night was. Like spending a few hours sitting on a yo-yo. It just drove home the point that this is NOT the person I adored a few short months ago.

Nothing is even remotely balanced & I am really invisible, even on my birthday.

I sat staring at my dinner consciously aware that this is my last birthday with him.

Friday, May 05, 2006

While I'm At It

A few from the kids at the park yesterday...

Miss MayaBelle:




Bridget trying to catch up without losing her shorts.


Em's new home if the attitude doesn't improve.


Happy. Happy. Not so much.

The Birthday Atrocity

John's mother owes him money. Like $600 I guess. Anyway, she sent me a birthday gift. Walked into a flowershop & used (basically) John's money to buy me this artificial flower covered wreath. With a decorative birdhouse attatched. The flowers are falling off, the wreath has jagged edges everywhere & well, wow. John looked at it & says, "Wow. She bypassed REAL flowers to buy THAT thing? And you HATE birds! And you semi hate the color pink!"

Yeah. My cats have had fun gnawing on it though & it doesn't look any worse!



Did I mention it's like, heavier than my toddlers?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Crawl First

If I haven't answered your email yet, I will today. I can only seem to do things in small doses at least for now. The last 2 days have actually felt a bit better here. We're truly taking baby steps. He seems somewhat better & I'm finding it semi-pointless to stay angry. Justified anger but in the end, it's pointless. I'm just sending bad vibes thru the house at warp speed that the kids are absorbing no matter how much I tell myself that they aren't. Baby steps, try to get along, work on being friends for the kids sake & go from there. Looking at the big picture though, I see it as the kids & I. The plans I make are for us. Including him seems foreign to me. My head is pounding but at least in this moment, that's all that seems to hurt.

Life goes on.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

It Could Be Worse Though I'm Not Sure How

Reality. My marriage is pretty much over. I haven't seen my husband, the man I loved, the one that won me back since his father died. Yes he's taking his meds...but he is a cold, self absorbed shell of a person. Everything that I loved seems to be long gone. Everything that his kids loved is also gone. My family no longer includes him & that seems to be fine with him. He seems to no longer want his life to include us either so I guess it balances out.

All he thinks of is HIS new business, HIS car, HIS contacts, HIS HIS HIS.

This is worse than anything I've ever experienced with him. He says something snapped & he lost part of himself. He doesn't know if he'll ever get it back & better yet, he doesn't know if he cares to. What he lost was his heart.

I flip flop. I'm numb & really ok with killing this off because truly I just need stability & I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person. Then I'm angry, no furious. He has sunk EVERy penny of his dads inherited money into this business- including what was supposed to be used for the kids college funds. I hate him for doing that. I could care less about the money but it was nice to know that there was a cushion for the kids education. I have 3 kids & college is steep.

I'm left wondering what was even real. Was the man that took such good care of me these last 2 years, was he an imposter? Was it fake? I'll never even know & should it matter?

He wants to take me out for my birthday (it's Saturday) & that is just funny. He can't even manage a trip to the park with his kids and I'd want quality time alone with him. Sure. I washed my hands of his business. He cannot help me at all. Cannot watch the kids so that I can work uninterrupted so why the fuck should I help him? He's interviewing assistants today I guess. Sounds like a short list of ex-bartender, twentysomething chicks. Potential fuckbuddies I'm guessing. Although I don't anticipate him keeping anyone very long. Seriously. He is paying next to nothing for the job he wants them to do. One temper tantrum & they'll quit on the spot.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

...

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

Chorus:

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

Chorus2:

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

Once A Week Update plan

That seems to be all that i can manage these days. Things here, hmmm.

Dicey, then ok, then explosive, then ok. I think we're well on our way to *okay*, anyway.

Didja follow that? Me neither.

Anyway, I'm in one piece & so are the kids. John is in, a few but less than before at least. Em has discovered her career choice- she wants to be the lady in the circus that changes clothes every 60 seconds. No, for real. She freaked out, screeched & jumped up & down nearly falling thru the bleachers at the thought of being that woman. B still seems to be leaning in the direction of becoming a vet. Her day is spent carrying Ruby around wrapped in a blankie like a baby. Speaking of, ruby is growing fast. She always shares my computer chair with me.


I've barely touched my camera in about 2 months. It's pitiful,, the NEW good cam is STILL in its equally new box! Here's a few of the kids though. At the park, obviously.

Miss B:







Miss Em:







One of Maya:



The new business is, well sort of a clusterfuck, sort of coming together really amazing. The one thing that I'm sure of is that it is being pulled together FAST. John decided instead of being onstage he wanted to own a stage & a live entertainment money pit venue was born. We open June 2nd & it has really been a scramble here. I've agreed to help as long as I'm not compromising my writing time. I've done all of the booking & contract stuff with artists. Easy to make contact since I've spent the last decade dealing with agents & managers just to get interviews. So far I've booked Carmen Lundy, The Knack, Missing Persons, Flock of Seagulls, When In Rome (Yes its a big 80's night), Etta James, Olivia d'Abo, Little Charlie & The Nightcats, Roomful of Blues, Officially Endorsed cover bands of Aerosmith, Fleetwood Mac & Queen as well as local rockers & stuff. The pending pile includes Carlos Mencia, Otis Lee Crenshaw, Royal Crown Revue, Breaking Benjamin, Henry rollins & several more that escape me. I'm also on a personal mission to get Black Eyed Peas in come hell, highwater or both.

My Current Fav Song